Maybe you don’t need to ‘heal’

 – Does the focus on healing actually pull us away from living fully.

Every time I look at Instagram or Facebook, I see people stating they are in their ‘healing era’… but what the hell does this even mean?!

Sometimes, I think we’re all so busy ‘healing’ that we forget to actually live.

When people go through things, and I’m talking HUGE things. Traumatic things. Things that no one should ever have to go through; it takes a piece of them. And over time, piece by piece, they lose who they are. The trauma itself becomes an identity. A huge wound that doesn’t want to ‘heal’. And sometimes, that pain is so huge and so real and so fucking awful that subconsciously, if they were to actually ‘heal’ it, it’s like the pain they went through means nothing. It’s like, if there’s no ‘body’, then did the murder even happen? So, the pain becomes the evidence that this horrific thing happened.

Now, feeling this pain is absolutely a part of how you get better. If this is you and this is your life, and I am so fucking sorry for whatever it is you’ve been through. And sometimes, you definitely need to sit in the ashes and just take all the time you need. Sometimes, you do just have to wallow, and I will NEVER tell you to bypass all these shitty emotions that you are currently feeling.

What I want to talk about today, though, isn’t the trauma itself. It’s what happens when you force yourself into a ‘healing era’. When it’s forced, you are trying to bypass the pain. You might think, “Well, I’m going to meditate and walk daily and eat good food, I’m going to go to therapy and sound baths and take cold showers”. Now, all of these things can be good and useful, please don’t get me wrong. The trouble lies, however, in what happens next.

When you start looking for an answer outside of yourself, and everything you try only temporarily works… You end up in the same pain, but with one less option being taken away from you. Over time, as each ‘thing’ doesn’t work, you start to believe that nothing will work. You are searching for the extinction of the pain you feel, and it never quite comes.

Your healing journey may even become you. The cold water therapy, the journalling, the meditation. It becomes your identity. You are ‘Healing’. You haven’t got time for fun with friends because it will encroach on your healing time, you cut yourself off from potential romantic connections because you ‘need’ to be single while you heal.

Some people turn their ‘healing journey’ into a social media account. It all becomes content. And some even use their journey to influence others into how to DO ‘healing’. Which, let’s face it, only encourages their own avoidance to sit with themselves and causes their audience disappointment when these things don’t work for them. (And as a little secret – they probably aren’t ‘working’ for the influencer too, not in the way you might think from the outside anyway).

"Healing" as depicted by AI (LOL)

Side note >> This really pains me. People are, of course, allowed to document their journeys, but I really do feel that we need to be honest about the dark stuff in between. Otherwise, the audience will never measure up to the apparent ‘ideal’ life being displayed on social media. Healing isn’t all breathwork and beige décor, nor is it crying into the camera or endless peace and positivity. Talking the talk and walking the walk are different things.

The healing journey then potentially becomes never-ending. Your life never starts up again, because you are always in search of what is going to ‘fix’ the issue. And whether you are broadcasting this to others or you’re just quietly disappointed that nothing actually works long-term, you are definitely not ‘healing’.

Healing implies that you're broken.

Maybe you don’t need to ‘heal’.

Maybe you need to love.

Maybe you need to act.

Maybe you need to learn.

Maybe you need to accept.

Maybe you need to live.

Maybe, when all that stuff happens, you’ll simply heal anyway. Because when healing becomes the destination, you skip out on the actual journey, and you try to force things to shift without becoming anything at all. And it’s all about the becoming.

Something spectacular can happen in the depths of unthinkable pain. It’s often in the dark that you can find your light. As Viktor Frankl said, "suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice". When you can learn that two truths can operate concurrently, such as you are wounded, AND you can grow, then it’s not the end of the story.

This is called post-traumatic growth (PTG), and I’ve included a link to a research paper at the bottom of this blog.

So, yes, the suffering is going to happen. It is. I can’t lie. Bad things happen, and they just shouldn’t happen at all. Period. There is no silver lining, and you can’t reframe it into a positive. That stuff cuts deep.

However, you can use it to look deep within. Work with yourself, who are you really? Allow your pain to simply be present, without it consuming you. If you don’t like the meditation and journalling, don’t do it. If it helps and you enjoy it, then definitely do. The primary objective should always be discovering who you are again after trauma. Relearning yourself as this new person. What you like, what you don’t like/ what you want, what you don’t want. Looking at your relationships, your core beliefs, your perceptions and opinions. Therapy can really help with this, it really can, but it is also not the only way or the only thing that helps*.

The health and wellness industry has hijacked our normal communication. Boundaries have become a list of terms and conditions, with people declaring ‘this is my boundary’ but not taking action when it's crossed. Nervous system regulation is expected at all times... FYI your nervous system is supposed to respond to the environment! You cannot stay neutral all of the time, particularly in times of crisis – unless you’re some sort of psychopath. I don’t even want to get fully into therapy buzzwords because, while useful tools of understanding in the therapy room, they shouldn’t be projected into every corner of our life!

 Now, I’m never going to tell you how to ‘heal’, and yes, it most definitely is a ‘journey’. But maybe that journey isn’t something you can reach externally. Maybe it’s a journey within, one that takes place while you are actively living your life. So, take all the time you need. But don’t cut yourself off to opportunities, people, places, and things unless you really have to.

And if you do need some help, please get in touch. I love my job and it is a real privilege to work with people as they go through the darkest moments of their life and become the person they are supposed to be, while honouring the person they already are.

Watching the light come back on in someone’s eyes is my favourite part of what I do.

*https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/raising-resilient-children/202506/the-limits-of-healing-through-therapy

Check out this research paper on PTG: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9807114/